有個人曾在我們交換的第50封電郵裡,給了我一首叫First Day Of My Life的歌曲的youtube聯結。

"check out the video here. It's lovely." 那時的電郵裡簡單的這樣寫,我想他並沒有什麼其他要表達的隱藏訊息。我們習慣在每封電郵裡夾帶幾首歌,自己喜歡或者想與對方分享的,並不多說什麼。昨天我夾帶了cat power的where is my love,他大吃一驚說前幾天有想要傳給我這首歌但我先傳了,然後惶惶恐恐的重複了三次You are a witch。

從前阿軒也總是說我是女巫,當我總是不經意的說一些有的沒的卻敲中他的頭殼。也許我對我所愛的人總是擁有有一種莫名的感受天份;但上帝是公平的,因此我並沒有足以讓他們深深愛我並且留下的天份。也許這方面並不需要太多天份,需要多一些上帝的一波助瀾。不過上帝通常都很忙久而久之我也不想勉強。

這首First Day Of My Life,簡單的編曲,簡單的歌詞,簡單的含義。音樂錄影帶據說由「性愛巴士」(shortbus)的導演john cameron mitchell所執導,以單一場景帶出直接簡單的訊息,表現各個跨種族、年齡、空間、性別的跨類別愛情,有老少配,有男同志女同志,有孤單的中年男子、有孕婦、有幸福美滿的一家三口、有抱著已逝情人照片的寡婦等,還有一隻狀況外的狗,非常甜蜜溫馨。網友們紛紛在影片下點評,有者說這將會是他的結婚主題曲。有者說這是姐姐男友去世時姐姐一直聽的歌曲。有者說聽了感覺更孤單了。有者說有時哭泣不曉得是因為真心開心還是實際難過。

幸福蔓延的時刻,感覺不真實仿彿肥皂泡泡下一秒就會消失掉。而當幸福成為過去式,未腐蝕殆盡的落單之心時聽到一首美麗的歌也或多或少會感覺溫暖,來自曾經經歷過類似的片刻,來自回憶裡的無形又具體的溫存。並且看見別人幸福快樂總是美好的。

一定年齡之後的幸福總是夾雜著一些苦澀的成份,對愛情對幸福是如此的渴望又不渴望的。好像颱風天來襲之前的黃昏,夕陽特別艷麗深沉,天空下的人兒各自各生活忍不住抬頭眺望。當自己能感受是自己在牽起自己的嘴角肌肉,揚起類似笑容的弧度時刻,心靈雖然近乎靜止,偶然還是有一些什麼會隨著笑容的上揚好像掀開地毯飛出來的小灰塵在朦朧雙眼裡作客。

衷心希望音樂錄影帶結尾,那對比劃出心形,無聲說著我愛你的可愛小情侶能夠同行到生命儘頭,一起變胖變老七十歲時互相在床上取笑對方下垂的乳房以及不舉的陰莖,或者只是相攜在黃昏池邊看青蛙捕食蒼蠅之類的。而不是很多年以後天各一方,"凡走過必留下痕跡"的種種憑據讓自己心酸無語甚至悔恨交加

歌中唱我想我從前是個瞎子直到看見妳的臉,一切好像是我生命的第一天。忽然想起很多年前我寫過「你初望我的剎那我竟活得像從未活過」的詩句。呵很多年前幻想比情感豐沛很多倍人生經歷等於零的很多年前。





Bright Eyes -"First Day Of My Life"



This is the first day of my life
Swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain, suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours was the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been
But I know where I want to go

So I thought I'd let you know
That these things take forever, I am especially slow
But I realized how I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

I remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange, you said everything changed
You felt as if you just woke up

And you said,
"This is the first day of my life.
Glad I didn't die before i met you.
Now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you.
And I'd probably be happy."

So if you want to be with me
With these things there's no telling,
We'll just have to wait and see
But I'd rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery

Besides, maybe this time is different
I mean, I really think you like me

 

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