抱病上探戈課是一項錯誤的決定,根本吸收不到甚麼,下星期大概得重來一遍拖累全班進度。回家的計程車上在手機上回了幾封電郵,電台在播madonna的take a bow。

其實已經想不太起來,第一次聽到這首歌是何時何地何種心情。根據維基百科的資料這首歌收錄在1994年的bedtime stories,以及1995年的something to remember精選輯,那時我大概國中二年級或三年級。流暢的旋律簡單的歌詞,加上永不退流行的關於愛情及虧欠的主題,很快就成為排行榜常客,在各個英文電台輪流反復播放。印象最深刻是madonna在唱you took my love for granted, why oh why那句,她在for granted的發音不是發grant-ed,反而比較接近grant-itte,有一種奇妙的停頓及陷落感,非常非常吸引我。

因為聽到這首歌,也想到高中時,常常在晚上一個人開車前往某處,然後回家。那一兩年間,除了固定一星期會有幾個晚上補習會計,有時是獨自到市內碩果僅存的電影院看午夜場,有時是送在外地唸大學偶爾回鄉的初戀男友回家後自己踏上歸途。還有很多次,是替裁縫師母親送衣服給住在郊外的客戶,一來一往就得花上至少三個小時。我不是那種會在車上放布娃娃等裝飾品的女子,我的小小國產車完全沒有任何擺設可言,只有一件開車披著的外套、拖鞋、盒裝衛生紙,還有很多很多卡帶。那時的CD播放系統還是很昂貴,並且很容易被宵小覬覦然後打破車窗偷走。我會從平常買的唱片,挑出自己喜歡的歌,翻錄進卡式錄音帶裡,製作成一卷又一卷開車上路音樂自選輯,在漫長且安靜的開車途中播放,這卷聽完了,就在紅綠燈前換另外一卷。有時音樂聽煩了就聽電臺。

中學畢業之後越洋唸書,母親把我的車子賣了,那些我花了無數個下午挑選並錄制的卡帶也被丟掉了。這幾年因為遷徙的緣故,並沒什麼機會開車,年前落足新加坡開始穩定工作之後,更沒有開車的必要。仿彿是命運特意的安排,開車的機會直線下降直到最低點,母親說我太久沒開車已經生疏,容易出意外而阻止。於是每回回鄉就好像殘廢一樣,去哪裡都得麻煩人接送,久而久之就乾脆躲在家裡不太出門,當作好好休息。我並非自閉離群,也並非對人情冷淡,只是怕麻煩加懶。在一定的年歲之後,工作方面無計可施,在生活上在其他方面,如果可以我想選擇我自己願意面對的人事物。

我只是不想再為與自己人生進行式無關緊要的東西難過煩擾,這樣而已。

其實在那個年齡單獨開車的女子有許多許多,我只是其中一個。我不曉得她們有些什麼感受,而我要到很久以後,才了解那一些夜晚,對我而言是極其重要的時光。雖然那時我還不清楚,獨處對我後來生命的必須性,也不知道自己以後會開始嚮往漂流並且盡力身體力行。但那一些單獨開車的路程,那一些安靜那一些沒有人,那一些漫長的路那一些看似沒有盡頭的黑暗,每次每次覆蓋包圍我,澆灌我的銳利,滋養我的孤單,扑滅我的喧譁,點燃我的勇敢。如同無形的磚塊在時光路上逐漸鋪陳,我行走在上,抵達到生命臨界點的某一段岔路,我知道我不能在路口猶豫太久,然後我將邁入我所熟悉的且感到舒適的地段。

那並非刻意落單,而是我從來不願失去的,自己一個人面對生命的力量及勇氣。

 

 

 

Take a bow, the night is over
This masquerade is getting older
Lights are low, the curtains down
There's no one here
[There's no one here, there's no one in the crowd]
Say your lines but do you feel them
Do you mean what you say when there's no one around [no one around]
Watching you, watching me, one lonely star
[One lonely star you don't know who you are]

Chorus:

I've always been in love with you [always with you]
I guess you've always known it's true [you know it's true]
You took my love for granted, why oh why
The show is over, say good-bye

Say good-bye [bye bye], say good-bye

Make them laugh, it comes so easy
When you get to the part
Where you're breaking my heart [breaking my heart]
Hide behind your smile, all the world loves a clown
[Just make 'em smile the whole world loves a clown]
Wish you well, I cannot stay
You deserve an award for the role that you played [role that you played]
No more masquerade, you're one lonely star
[One lonely star and you don't know who you are]

(chorus, repeat)

Say good-bye [bye bye], say good-bye

All the world is a stage [world is a stage]
And everyone has their part [has their part]
But how was I to know which way the story'd go
How was I to know you'd break
[You'd break, you'd break, you'd break]
You'd break my heart

I've always been in love with you
[I've always been in love with you]
Guess you've always known
You took my love for granted, why oh why
The show is over, say good-bye

(chorus)

Say good-bye [bye bye], say good-bye
Say good-bye




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