相較起中式墳場,我喜歡西式墓園,更像一個純粹讓亡者安息,讓親友紀念的空間。綠色植物中墓碑佇立,碑上寫著亡者姓名、出生日期、死亡時間以及死亡原因。更早期的墓碑,還會刻上墓誌銘或「in memory of....」永存於家人朋友記憶的一眾名字。亡者祭日時,親友來到墓碑前,放一束花稍做清理,然後或站或坐或逗留或離開,沒有太多多餘而激烈的儀式。
 
不管到哪個國家,我總要前往當地的墓園,逐一閱讀墓碑上的內容。然後,找一個角落,靜靜坐上一陣子。
 
黃昏的西式墓園安靜而美麗。夕陽綻放樹木成蔭間,陽光飛灑眾花盛開處,不知名的飛鳥鳴叫停在樹梢。被發配予死者的墓園生氣盎然,大大凸顯了鋼筋水泥都市的冷冰死寂。而我總會在入夜之前離開,第一是對亡者的尊重,還他們人潮熙攘退卻後的專屬空間。另是我對幽靈尚存的恐懼——我沒有陰陽眼,但曾親耳聽到不少無從解釋來源的聲響,足足嚇得我毛骨悚然,趕快鑽進被窩狂唸主禱文。請上帝寬恕我信心不夠堅定。
 
昨日路經康福寧公園,穿越綠草叢林水泥地柏油路毫無特色的官方介紹,撇見一座長滿青苔的石階,石牆上鑲著片片石板,儼然墓碑的排列。我不由自主的沿著石階行走,仔細閱讀碑上的內容。內容大部份以英文書寫,可見少數其他語文,我認得出的只有中文、希伯來文、俄文以及德文。死亡原因包括最普遍的疾病、意外,以及那個年代屢見的戰爭、自殺等等。大部份死亡於19世紀,想來是萊佛士接管新加坡後的隨行人員,舉家長住此處經商的洋裔,派遣來駐紮新加坡的他國外交人員,或移居尋夢的華僑等。
 
在那些動蕩而繁華時代,漂流因著求生顯得合情合理,客死異鄉更是尋常。在這個所謂安居樂業的現今,責任層層疊疊成一種無止無境的束縛。我們不見得比那些逝去的年代,擁有更多的自由;反而因為格式化的必須體制的要求,壓縮成千篇一律的物種,失去更多的自我。
 
偶然點擊到這個名為In memory of的網站,記錄了來自世界各地對過世親友的懷念及致意,沒有華麗辭藻或激昂情緒,滿滿的都是直接坦誠的思念及遺憾︰

「If I woke up tomorrow and my eyes could not see, In the darkness there would be beauty of a love you've shown to me.」To Lona Abrams,By Gina Louden, Carrollton, KY USA
 
「 We lost you too early and it's not fair. We didn't use the time that God gave us wisely but I'm very glad to have been able to say goodbye to when I had the chance. I love you mom and I miss you.」To Lynne A. Ackerly, By Kathleen Ackerly, Nazareth, PA
 
「To Those I Love And Those Who Love Me. When I am gone, release me, let me go, I have so many things to see and do. You mustn't tie yourself to me with tears. Be happy we had so many years. I gave you my love and you can only guess how much you gave me in happiness. I thank you for the love you each have shown. But now it's time I traveled alone. So grieve awhile for me if grieve you must. Then let your greif be comforted by trust. It's only for a while that we must part. So bless those memories in your heart. I won't be far away, for life goes on. So if you need me, call and I will come. Though you can't see me or touch me, I'll be near. And if you listen with your heart, You'll hear all my love around soft and clear. And then, when you must come this way alone, I'll greet you with a smile and "Welcome Home."」To Ryan Jeffery Amacher,By Donna Beseth, Apache Junction, AZ USA

「Mom, I know I wasn't a very good son, seems we where always arguing. I hope you can forgive me. I did love you. Rest in Peace Mom.」To Lillian Daniels,By Larry Daniels, Fairfax Station, VA USA
 
「I wrote this poem for my mom in 1993 for Mother's Day. She died on March 27,1997 at age 52. While going through her belongings, I came across this poem, tucked away in her night stand drawer. I love her more than anything, and my heart now has a hole that can never be filled. I love you so much mommy, and I miss you more than words can say.

On this special day, my spirits did lift, and I tried to find a wonderful gift
To send to you, to show that I care,
I tried every store, every shop, everywhere
I saw gold that shines, and flowers that bloom,
I tested the scents of sweet perfume
I saw cards and paper, and ribbons of blue,
which one of these gifts should I buy for you?
I bought none of these things, I must confess
for all of these things you already possess
So on this Mother's Day, so far from home,
I decided to write for you this special poem
Though there's no pretty paper or ribbons of blue,
It's wrapped in the love I'm sending to you
The love in your eyes outshines any gold,
your heart is a flower that never grows old
Your patience and kindness are the ribbons
that bind mother to daughter - your heart to mine
I LOVE YOU MOMMY」To Margaret A. Davis, By Wendy Fields, Tempe, AZ USA
 
太把痛與思念掛在嘴邊,真真就顯得太刻意而不實。死亡如是,失去其實也如是。
 
想來華人是個很有趣的民族,以三從四德無後為大等所謂道義鉗制讓家族中人,還有家醜不可外揚的沉重教誨,另有教導如做人謹記謙和卑微退一步海闊天空說,仿彿事事講求低調。但臨到婚禮喜慶則漫天紅不龍咚敲鑼打鼓大肆宣揚否則面上無光,葬禮也要搞得烽火連天樂聲唸經轟天作響。我並不夠資格和學術修養,去談論民族性以及其延伸問題。當一體兩面已是被氾濫討論的議題,當世界已充斥太多灰色地帶。
 
說回死亡。死亡其實就是這樣的一回事了,沒有人知道死亡之後的世界,靈魂是否煙消雲散是否逗留人間,但那是大部份人肉眼無法所及的。鬼大不了是忘了帶手帶頭出門然後出現在眼前,或睡眠時壓床樹林裡遮眼之類的。而眼目可見的活人才真真可怕,活人可以因著各種原因甚至毫無原因的奪走你的一切毀掉你的一生。活人的所作所為往往比幽靈更可怕,所以人類才會去編造那麼多恐怖電影,嫁禍給鬼妖神怪以遮掩自己的罪行。
 
而其實我一直來不及,給自己寫一封遺書告別一些什麼。當此刻的我已經不再活著,任那些消匿的過往代替我飛揚。

 
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